Let’s All Join a Secret Society Run By Lazlo Toth
Never underestimate the power of letter-writing crackpots to alter the known universe, starting with the Chili’s logo.
Cautionary Tales of Nuclear War or Reviews of the Movie Oppenheimer?
Rejected by McSweeney’s because nuclear stuff is inherently unfunny.
Would it Kill Starbucks to Make Their Chairs a Little Easier on the Ears?
Starbucks is going to make their chairs easier on the ears. Because it would be great if they didn’t grate.
This Quick Vacation Will Definitely Change Me Forever
An OOO Auto-Reply Email Promise to Not Be These 6 Types of Pseudo-Transformative Vacationers You'll Recognize On the Road
The Miss Universe Pageant Seems A Bit Too Earth-Centric If You Ask Me
Don Trump used to own Miss Universe. Until I pointed out all the winners were from Earth.
We Have Only Begun to Realize the Full Power of The Comfy
Our nation is sitting on a sleeping giant. With these 20 simple guidelines, we can harness its category-transcending powers.
The Opposite of Apocalypse
As soon as he reads this, Chris Nolan will start the beginning of the end of end times stories.
There Should Be a Depeche Mode Musical Right Away
Four Words. Black Celebration: The Musical. Someone should make it right away. Not me, but definitely someone.
So Many Windmills, So Little Time.
Don Quixote really knew how to go on vacation. And make OOO messages.
Should Jamie Dimon Tell Us Where Our Money Is?
It just seems fair to know where our money actually is. Although it’s probably a terrible idea to tell us.
21 Kurt Vonnegut Vacation Advices
Kurt was born to write a certain OOO email auto-reply for me and he died before he ever knew it.
The Letter That Changed Chili’s Forever
Phineas Bling sent a letter to Todd Diener, then President of Chili’s (it may be a different Todd by now) and explained to him the error of their graphic ways. It worked.
Just How Powerful ARE My Email Auto-Replies, You Ask?
Sure, my auto-replies are the stuff of myth and legend. But there’s a growing sense they are underestimated.
The Electric Kool-Aid Conan O’Brien Must Go Test
With Conan Must Go set to premier, what better time to conceive an epic series finale? Season 3 lends even less urgency to these daft writings.
Mark Cuban Is My Drug Dealer of Choice
I emailed Mark Cuban. He wrote back. Together, we made history for a week.
Takashi Murakami’s Probably Sending Me Priceless Art
Phineas wrote to Murakami about how his one man’s garbage is another man’s treasure. That’s why he’s probably sending some art. Or an empty sauce bottle.
People Say My OOO Auto-Replies are Life-Changing
The out-of-office email auto reply is a great opportunity to make people think, I think.