The Miss Universe Pageant Seems A Bit Too Earth-Centric If You Ask Me
This letter to Donald J. Trump, from way back when he was a pageant-owner not just a country-runner, contends Miss Universe should be open to all life forms across all dimensions of space-time.
Mr. Donald Trump
The Trump Organization
725 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY 10022
DON!
Tonight, while sipping CRISTAL with Melonia on the deck of your Manhattan aerie, try this exercise. GAZE deep into the night sky. Pick the most distant, faint star you can see.
Not THAT one, the one further than that.
The light you see from that star will have left its source a thousand years ago or MORE. You’re looking back in TIME—science says so! Beyond it, somewhere, are the fringes of all that is or ever WAS, the first primordial matter that jettisoned into oblivion at the instant of the Big Bang. KERPLEWY!
Beyond that, perhaps, an aged (yet ageless) glowing man in white robes and a long beard sits on a golden throne amid fluffy clouds, smiling that all-knowing SMILE. The original G Man!
Thus transfixed, think to yourself, my company—my pageant—has surely just crowned the most beautiful creature contained in ALL of this creation.
I write this letter to tell you how much I watched with GLEE and snacks the proceedings of the 2006 Miss Universe pageant last week. A FEAST for the senses! Such beauty! Such STYLE! Such grace and articulationals!
I’m sure, like me, you believe women are the superior gender. So I think we are agreed that on display at the Shrine Auditorium were not just the most beautiful women in the WORLD, but indeed the most beautiful human beings on our planet! The great EARTH!
But right there’s where I start to WONDER. When we stare across the LIGHT YEARS, are we 100% certain Ms. Zuleyka Rivera Mendoza (nee Miss Puerto Rico) is the fairest of all we survey? Granted, it’s hard to dispute in the moment (I mean va va VOOM amiright DON?), although Miss Japan had it going on, frankly. But to find out if Zuleyka’s title is truly justified, I think we need to start with a few FENCEPOST definitionals on the Universe front.
Definitions vary, but I looked it up and the Universe is generally considered to be a finite or possibly infinite space-time continuum that includes the summation of all matter that exists and the space in which all events occur. WOW! That is a LOT.
I don’t mean to trivialize the intergalactic importance of the pageant title, or pageants in general…but that’s a lot of responsibility to squeeze into one little Mikimoto TIARA!
Even considering all that limitless space-time, I reiterate that Miss Universe (nee Miss Mendoza) may indeed still be THE fairest being of them ALL. But my confidence would ESCALATE vis a vis this conclusion if I’d been presented with at least one representative from outside our PLANET.
Instead, we had only occupants of the Milky Way galaxy, which is just one of millions of galaxies which may contain TRILLIONS of planets and, presumably, at least one other form of life that should have been permitted to compete.
Where was, say, Miss Gropnoid 7, composed entirely of a yellow GAS and communicating telepathically? What of Miss Eastern Alpha Centauri, with her 27 tentacles and one giant eye? Just any gal with a traditional if not stereotypical “E.T.” or “Lil’ Green Martian” appearance would have sufficed.
Was there EVEN a Miss Icelend? I’m not sure.
You see my point? There was a marked similarity among contestants in the earthling/humanoid vein. Were I a resident of another world, I might even suspect the FIX was in. And what we DO NOT want to do, DON, is TICK OFF these creatures who may come at us with their advanced weapons technologies, demanding we allow their fair ladies to compete! RETROACTIVELY!
I’m hoping adding “2006” into the name places the contest in a point on the space-time continuum that is understood to mean our particular VERSION of 2006, so maybe you don’t have to worry really about pesky mirrored dimensions and alternate realities that might be occurring simultaneously. Plus, even if there were another 2006 going on right now in an alternate dimension, I think we can assume you’d have a carbon copy Trump in those dimensions running something called the Miss Universe 2006 pageant as well. Except water might go down the drain the other direction. And Carson Kressley would be straight. Miss Japan might win.
I don’t KNOW. Time is too HARD.
But as owner of Miss Universe, the SPACE problem likely weighs heavy on you. So the way I see it you might go three ways to placate angry aliens and seal up any space-time fabric rips caused by your over-reaching pageantry:
Change the title to Miss Known Universe (or a variation like Miss Observable Universe or Miss Visible Universe) to more accurately reflect the limits of human knowledge (which is piddling, really),
Send signals out into the aether inviting other forms of life to participate. They may not hear it for a few thousand years, or ever understand or respond, but at least you’re on record as having tried when they come for us with their plasma guns, or
What the heck? Go totally the other way and claim more turf with the title by calling it “Miss Multiverse”—lean so shamelessly into the injustice that no one would think you’re serious, even though you really and truly are.
I have a feeling the latter alternative may be more in keeping with your SPLASHY style! And it would be so “over-the-top” that no one from a different galaxy would fault you for your showmanship!
+THINK OF THE RATINGS!
ONE more thing to consider. I don’t want to advise you on matters of this importance, but if you don’t pursue #3, consider that you could be TRUMPED (no pun intended) by a competitive pageant which acknowledges that our universe may be merely one part of a system of many other universes, known as the multiverse.
[NOTE: I’m not at all threatening to start a competitive pageant if you don’t, say, make me a judge at next year’s Miss Universe…just alerting you to the strategic risk involved if someone else, armed with this great and original idea, were to do so].
They’d be all, ha, your gal winning Miss Universe is kinda like winning a sash at the Podunk County Faire now next to our gal winning Miss Multiverse! See what I MEAN!? You’d go from NBC to public access cable overnight.
Anyways, feel free to forward this along to the heads of The Miss Universe Organization or to your partners at NBC. I just thought I’d start with you because, well, you da DON!
Best regards,
Phineas Bling
P.S. – we could be getting into life forms that reproduce by means of mitosis or cloning or who the hell knows what? If you hop a wormhole a couple million galaxies to the left, the “Ms.” thing is a whole tricky topic as well. But we’ll cross the biology bridge when we come to it. For heaven’s sake, let’s tackle astronomy first.
