We Have Only Begun to Realize the Full Power of The Comfy.
The Comfy is a ONE-SIZE-FITS-ALL MELTING POT.
Whatever it is, as you can plainly see, The Comfy is…AMERICA!
Our nation is sitting on a sleeping giant.
Mr. Michael Speciale
Chief Executive Officer
THE COMFY
Cozy Comfort Company, LLC
5000 Pleasanton Avenue
Pleasanton, CA 94566
Dear Mr. Speciale Sir:
I recently purchased a The Comfy. I know, almost 10 years late to The Comfy GAME! I thought SHARK TANK was a MARINE LIFE-related show, so I SLEPT on the first umpteen seasons because I am more of a MAMMAL fan.
BUT! What a GARMENT! That’s if you want to limit this category-transcending product to so narrow a description. Feel the Happy™ indeed!
I chose GRAY because I am, by nature, DULL. It’s an extension of my IDENTITY. Other people are PINK (ebullient) or other colors (OTHER personalities). That’s just how it IS—there’s no use fighting who you ARE vis-a-vis The Comfy COLORS.
Setting aside color, though, The Comfy magically inspires a raft of unprecedented existential questions and conclusions.
Is The Comfy a GARMENT? Is it BEDDING? Is it a CREATURE? Is it a FURNISHING? Is it a FRIEND? Is it a PHARMACEUTICAL?
The Comfy is everything. Truly, a BLUE OCEAN of fabric, even when decidedly GRAY.
It is DIVERSE. It is INDEPENDENT. It is a ONE-SIZE-FITS-ALL MELTING POT.
Whatever it is, as you can plainly see, The Comfy is…AMERICA!
{ASIDE: It is important to point out that NONE of these questions apply to The Comfy copycats, aka The Comfycats, the reprehensible knockoffs and ne’er do wells who’ve nibbled at your inspired creation. There will never be another The Comfy. That’s why they (meaning YOU and also ME) call it THE Comfy, not “A Comfy,” or even just “Comfy”. Always THE!}
I think most people intuitively understand they’re dealing with something fundamentally DIFFERENT in The Comfy, but don’t fully appreciate how this product RIDES the LINE between every category of THING. It TRANSCENDS. It USURPS. It simply ENVELOPS.
Thankfully, for those of us who spend a tad too much time in HOF BRAUS, The Comfy does not appear to suffer the ill effects of errant AU JUS.
That SAID! In my view, we need to bolster all the TIPS and RULES surrounding The Comfy to cover the special circumstances of its multi-dimensional, cross-functional, existence.
That’s why we want each and every The Comfyist to love each and every moment spent swimming around in the luxurious WARMTH and spacious comfort of The Comfy’s comfy-ness to the fullest extent of the laws of BOTH nature and nations!
The sentiment: you are not so much a The Comfy PURCHASER as you are a The Comfydopter! We say, Congratulations On Your The Comfydoption!
BUT TOO! ’Tis a privilege, not a RIGHT! You must endeavor to fulfill the FULL POTENTIAL and power of Is The Comfy, not simply wear it as though it were some sort of lifeless WET BLANKET.
You’ve been hand-chosen for The Comfy because we believe The Comfy’ll find a good home with you. Should you fail to follow the 20 simple but eternally-ironclad-in-stone-small-print-yet-big-important rules and we’ll parachute a non-lethally armed (think The Comfy equivalent NERF-like projectiles?) The Comfy rescue team into what turns out to be your surprisingly sinister household and abscond with your mistreated The Comfy, toot sweet. We’ll find a home that knows how to treat its The Comfy!
Anyways, here’s my proposed 20 Rules of The Comfy. I’m not saying they MUST be included in every The Comfy package. I’m just saying it might be a GOOD IDEA! Our nation is sitting on a sleeping giant. With these 20 simple guidelines, we can harness its category-transcending POWERS:
Do not wear The Comfy while operating automobiles, pinking shears, or other heavy deadly machineries. The Comfy may cause drowsiness. Maybe think of The Comfy as a mild sedative.
Introduce The Comfy to your dogs, husbands, or other household pets tentatively. Allow them to smell The Comfy but do not allow them to “mark” The Comfy.
All of your social media posts going forward are required to include the hashtag #LivingLaVidaThe Comfy
The Comfy has nightmares about quilts so if you happen to have any quilts laying about, it may “trigger” The Comfy. Explain to The Comfy not all fabrics or old garments end up that way (i.e., chopped to bits and sewn into a totally new form). Only garments that behave badly.
Try not to get The Comfy wet. A wet The Comfy can weigh as much as a dry The Volkswagen.
The Comfy has a wider “flame perimeter” than any garment you own, unless you own an antebellum hoop skirt like the one worn by Scarlett O’Hara in Gone With the Wind. Don’t twirl The Comfy about by the fire like the hippo in Fantasia.
Police DO need a warrant to search The Comfy, unless you have given them permission. It’s Constitutional. Google the word “curtilage” for more details and know that The Comfy is legally akin to a PORCH.
If you wear The Comfy on airplanes, they may make you pay for an extra coach seat, but it’s worth it. The Comfy, btw, is universally frowned upon in First Class. Business Class is touch and go. You’re safest in coach with the real ones unless you’re feeling punk rock sit anywhere you want—screw what people think, The Comfy rules!
The Comfy has giant kangaroo pockets. Use them well. Marsupials put their actual offspring in there, that’s how important they think those pockets are. No pressure, but it would be a shame if 6-7 grandchildren didn’t get a shot at spending quality time in The Comfy.
Bears hibernate in winter. The Comfy hibernates in summer. You’ll see.
You may rename The Comfy anything you like once The Comfy is in your home. You may also choose a different password. There is no occasion whatsoever where a password will be needed, but it’s always a good practice to change your password.
If you don’t like The Comfy’s color (currently, gray), you may attempt to dye The Comfy any color you like, especially if it’s tie-dyed. This is obviously a terrible idea. Please send pictures.
The Comfy requires absolutely no food or drink. And yet, you can be certain that some will find its way onto and into The Comfy. Regularly.
The Comfy gets The Comfy’s own bedroom (i.e., drawer). It’s just a matter of volume.
If you ever get tired of The Comfy or The Comfy ever reaches the end of The Comfy's useful life, no problem, because you’re never allowed to sell, donate, or otherwise discard The Comfy, you just have to continue wearing The Comfy until The Comfy literally tatters and disintegrates into atoms that drift away and become stardust. In this way, when you look up into the night sky tonight, you can be sure many of them are made of The Comfy.
The Comfy only comes in size ginormous. No one should take this personal.
It’s probably possible to wash and dry The Comfy. More research is required. A lot of times there’s a tag with tiny writing stitched in there somewheres that talks about that stuff. Who knows who cares.
For best results, purchase matching The Comfy for ALL in your family. You will resemble nothing so much as an Ewok tribe or Care Bear pack, especially if you waddle about cooing like…an Ewok tribe or a Care Bear pack.
All The Comfy questions must be submitted in writing.
Enjoy!
I hope you’ll agree, these 20 rules are going to NEXT-LEVEL the already HIGH-LEVEL The Comfy experience. And squash all these ME-TOO brands hastily stitching together fluffy PONCHO blankets and JUMBO hoodies in an effort to CO-OPT your comfydea.
Like I say, there will never be another The Comfy. Whatever it IS, we can’t let all the knockoffs lead people to believe it’s anything less than magical.
Feel The Happy,
