Just How Powerful ARE My Email Auto-Replies, You Ask?
Soon, physics may offer us the math to measure the impact of our auto-replies.
* * * NOTE: I'm out of the office this week. I wanted to get that out of the way right upfront to leave more time for the reason you came.
Because I know why you're here. You've heard about my auto-replies. Word gets around and you wanted to get auto-replied to your ownself, to see what all the fuss is about. Returning from vacation to an inbox full of “just sending this to trigger your auto-reply” emails is the kind of thing that can go to an auto-replier’s head.
Maybe you heard my auto-replies are the 8th Wonder of the World, and you never even knew what the other 7 ever were. The Wonder Committee keeps changing them, maybe, or arguing about which ancient ones were the best and which modern ones are even better. One of them might be The Great Wall of China, and another one might be some temple in old Babylon or a statue of a Minotaur straddling a waterway over in Pelepaphobosephus, or just the dang Hoover Dam—who knows? I just know my last auto-reply made everybody forgot about all that, if they ever did know.
You heard my auto-replies might simply be the cure for what ails ya, a legit medicine show Panacea elixir, except without the cocaine and opium secret ingredients, and there’s probably a ton of truth to that. Once a tired man had a headache and a rash and the last thing he read before he popped two Excedrin and took a disco nap was one of my auto-replies and when he woke up his headache was gone and he felt a strange new slingshot of energy (still had the rash, but you can always live with a rash if you got the right attitude). This is well documented.
My auto-replies came in 2nd to Bob Dylan in the Nobel Prize for Literature, but only because I stayed true to my acoustic roots while he sold out and went electric a long time ago. When they finally do win, they’re passing their award on to Kendrick Lamar.
What's next? Can my auto-replies solve world hungerment and achieve world peacetime? I don't know for sure, but I do know I'm not hungry and I don't see any tanks rolling by, so that means they’re not entirely failing to work in my vicinity.
Maybe my auto-replies can scale globally in their impact, or even intergalactic wide. I invite you to imagine that some alien life form tries to send an email message to all humanity saying they’d like to be friends and share all their sleek space materials and raygun recipes? Most likely, it’s merely an attempt to earn our trust so they might harvest our guts for their bio-powered planet-cooling system because their world is slowly dying of overheating. Maybe it even turns out they're from the future and came to us via a multiversal portal from another dimension, which means if they wipe us out NOW, they wipe themselves out LATER—think about it!. Anyway, none of that gut harvesting matters now OR later because they'd get one of my auto-replies and throw in the towel when they realize we're an advanced civilization that would be difficult to harvest for bio-powered global cooling systems without a fight, or at least some super tiresome CONVERSATION. They’d move on to the next planet where there’s a species that’s easier pickins.
We need to prepare for this scenario.
Even now, many teens are up all night YouTubing the SnapTokkery to crowdsource new terms for how these auto-replies are giving sick rizz, and extra drippy goat bussing, and how much they ATE bruh. No cap delulu. GODSPEED, kids!
In conclusion, I just want to say that while this all may seem like standard issue braggadocio, I’m keenly aware that it is YOU, the auto-replyEE that is responsible for the greatness of my auto-replies. I’m just a conduit between a higher power and you. Without you, my auto-replies are like trees falling in forests wondering to themselves if they even made a sound.
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Anyway, I'll be back on Jan 9 20XX, but if you really have an emergency there's someone who can track me down over at 415 XXX XXX but you don’t care you’re just here for entertainment purposes.
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